A comprehensive step-by-step guide to drama free sex within the service industry…you’re welcome I like talking about fucking. Who doesn’t? If you are, most likely, you’re regaling in some embellished tale of conquest from your past. Perhaps you’re with your friends swapping different techniques that might work on the opposite sex. Maybe you’re finding common […]
Shitting Where You Eat
Posted on: December 1, 2015
A comprehensive step-by-step guide to drama free sex within the service industry…you’re welcome
I like talking about fucking. Who doesn’t? If you are, most likely, you’re regaling in some embellished tale of conquest from your past. Perhaps you’re with your friends swapping different techniques that might work on the opposite sex. Maybe you’re finding common ground through humorous sex stories with a new co-worker. Maybe you’re dirty talking with someone at a bar and describing all the nasty things you’re about to do to each other which, let’s face it, will probably be the best part of the entire encounter.
Regardless, people like talking about fucking. Which is why I shall discuss just that…fucking. Which, if you’re new to the industry you may have noticed, is something you’re co-workers are doing… kind of a lot. And who can blame us? We work a high stress job, with weird hours on odd days. While most people are getting “turned up” (turnt? Is it turnt or turned? Grammatically it has to be turned. It should be turned. “Turnt” sounds like a laundry detergent. TURNT! Now with twice as much stain remover or whatever) and trying to smash on a Friday night, we’re busting our asses on the floor, slaving away endlessly on the line, screaming in the bullpen or doing whatever it is the dishwashers are doing back there.
That being said, based on timing alone, it makes perfect sense how incestuous the service industry is. Who else is going to get drunk and naked on a Tuesday night? Not to mention the fact that every single restaurant on earth is filled to the brim with perverted servers, degenerate line cooks and super hot hostesses, all of whom are doing enough drugs and alcohol to make even Keith Richards go “Jesus…when do you all sleep?”
SO! Pop quiz. Here we go…
1. What do you get when you add high stressed employees, substance abuse and co-workers?
B. Lots of Sex
C. Both A and B
D. Ok fine… the Keith Richards line was corny but I needed a cultural icon whom is famous for getting “turnt” (ßGod I hate that) and he was the first that came to mind. And the best. So what if he’s not popularly relevant amongst the youth these days? Who am I suppose to say? Lil Wayne? Please that dude is soft as shit.
2. What do you get when you add Sex and Co-workers?
B. Lots of Drama
C. Both A and B
D. Seriously… that dude is soft serve ice cream, downy toilet paper, unicorn fart soft as shit.
What’s that old saying? With great sex comes great drama? It’s hard enough to sleep with someone you barely know drama free. Now imagine sleeping with someone you have to see at work. Every. Single. God. Damn. Day. AND imagine working in a place that’s surrounded in a constant, thick shroud of gossip and behind the back talkedness. Don’t shit where you eat they say (although I’m not sure who “they” think “they” are to make these rules. If I pay rent in this house I’ll shit on the coffee table if I damn well please). It is virtually impossible to sleep with someone in the industry and not have some level of gossip or drama ensue. It is as inevitable as the day turning to night, or college kids not tipping well or your uniform smelling like shit after working a double (Might I suggest TURNT!). LOOK! It’s gonna happen.
BUT FEAR NOT MY FRIENDS! For I have selflessly taken it upon myself to create the service industry’s very first step-by-step comprehensive guide to sleeping with your co-workers gossip and drama free. If you follow every one of these steps you will learn the skills to avoiding gossip and drama in the workplace! You can all thank me later. I highly suggest that this guide be distributed to every new employee alongside their food guide, rules and regulations handbook, and that code of ethics page that absolutely no one will pay attention to. SO! That being said without further ado I give you….
Lou Misiano’s Step by Step Guide to Sleeping with Co-Workers Drama Free
DON’T. FUCK. YOUR. CO-WORKERS.